wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
