even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
