i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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