good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
