Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
