just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
where does the pee come out of this thing
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
