Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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