Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
