my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
