No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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