He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
