Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
