They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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