dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
