just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
