Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
