he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
