I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
