If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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