She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
