I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
