o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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