Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
