I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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