sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
