im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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