My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
