Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dick very happy bro
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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