You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
