hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
