She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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