It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
