You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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