Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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