im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
