I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
