I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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