I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
