It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
