You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
