I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
