I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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