Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
is that a dick in a sweater?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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