I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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