Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
