We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
my liver is dry heaving
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
