Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
