What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
