I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
