he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
