For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
