when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
