hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
